Compliments. Criticism.
Praise. Insults.
Flattery. Put-downs.
Kudos. Blame.
Applause. Boos.
What do all of these things have in common? They are other people’s opinions of you at a moment in time. They are fiction, not facts. They hold no absolute truth. They are simply opinion. In fact, they have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the sender.
Don’t take anything personally is one of the four agreements put forward by author Don Miguel Ruiz. In his marvelous little book of big insights, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, Mr. Ruiz explains that “nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds.” (pages 48-49)
I was intrigued to read in his book that he believes that both positive and negative opinions hold the same trap for us. He calls taking things personally an act of personal importance – the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about “me.”
Suffering happens when you allow other people’s opinions to become your truth. He says it’s like eating their emotional garbage. It becomes yours, when you take things personally.
I don’t know about you, but I have enough emotional garbage and I’m running out of space to bury it all.
What would happen if we didn’t take anything personally?
Imagine these cases of “not taking it personally.” Can you see yourself reacting in these ways?
- Your colleague is sneezing all the time in the office, and not covering his mouth. You feel compassion, not resentment. You realize this is not about you, although it might be affecting your air space.
- Your teenager says he hates you and doesn’t care what you have to say; he’ll do what he wants to. You breathe deeply and realize this is not about your success or failure as a parent, this is about his right of passage. This is his journey and he may have to learn it the hard way. It has nothing to do with you. In your heart, you wish him well.
- Someone tells you that you have inspired them and changed the course of their life. You are the best in their eyes. While this feels good on one level, you realize that this is not about you, it’s about them. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. They were ready, and you just happened to be in their path.
- You interviewed for a new job and felt it went really well. The hiring manager emails you the following week and tells you they decided to continue to look for the ideal candidate. You may feel disappointment, but realize that this has nothing to do with your skills or potential. It’s about their ability to fulfill their own needs. You keep moving on in your job search process.
- Your boss is critical of your last presentation and suggests that you do more preparation for the next one. She may not realize how much work went into that presentation and how nervous you were giving it. Others in the audience praised you. You realize that everyone has an opinion and many times they differ. You reflect on your own preparation process and public speaking style, and how you’d like to develop this professional skill set.
- Your networking contact is late for your appointment or perhaps no-shows all together. Rather than feeling dissed or insulted, you realize that something must have come up for that person. You reach out and leave a voice mail just to check in. You go on with your day, feeling complete. No carry-over negativity. No resentment. No stories.
- You are at a large networking event, and people seem to be clickish. It’s difficult to break into conversations and you are feeling uncomfortable and unwelcome. You want to leave and never come back, but then you realize it’s not about you. It’s about them. You take a deep breath and find someone approachable. You make a good connection. It was worth your time.
The only thing you can control is your reaction
Many careers and relationships have been damaged because of over-reaction. Words said and deeds done in the heat of the moment. Many of our reactions come through our non-verbal body language: narrowing eyes, reddening face and neck, clenching of the jaw and fist, widening or rolling of the eyes. It’s all very visible and it all communicates. Do we have any control over our bodily reactions to what other people say and do to us?
Don’t take things personally and you stand a better chance of not over reacting to the situation.
Don Miguel Ruiz says “When you take things personally, then you feel offended, and your reaction is to defend your beliefs and create conflict. You make something big out of something small, because you have the need to be right and make everyone else wrong. You also try hard to be right by giving them your own opinions. In the same way, whatever you feel and do is just a projection of your own personal dream, a reflection of your own agreements.” (page 50)
Another one of my favorite quotes is thought:
“What other people think of me is none of my business. One of the highest places you can achieve is to be independent of opinions of other people.”
– Dr. Wayne Dyer, author of Change Your Thoughts – Change Your Life
Put this idea into action
Continue to foster your current and new relationships through networking, but remember to not take ANYTHING personally this week. Adopt the agreement, Don’t Take Anything Personally, and chant it inside your head several times a day. Use breathing or laughing to reset your physiology and find that neutral space again. Create separation between your self-worth and other people’s opinions. Good or bad – they are just opinions. They hold no truth for you, unless you give them power over you.
