Having the last word.

It is often believed the he who has the last word, holds the power; the final bit of leverage in the dispute. Yet, it is often our last words that we regret the most deeply. The words of anger spoken to a loved one that become our last words due to tragedy. The words of bitterness shared amongst old friends that are remembered forever.The inappropriate yet seemingly powerful statements made in business that ricochet and do damage to our professional reputation and our relationships.

Perhaps the last word is best unspoken.

Perhaps it is silence. A moment of self-control, even in our non-verbal body language. No rolling eyes. No grunted exhalation. Just a moment of generous silence. A reflection of your bigness of spirit. Think what might be averted with this kind of leadership discipline. Think what you might gain.

The back handed compliment: power or poison?

A friend of mine, let’s call him, Denny, has develop a very unusual communication skill. I call it the art of the back-handed compliment. Normally a compliment is something said to express praise or approval or something done to show respect or honor. However, when it’s done in a back-handed way, the intention and delivery are misguided. It is passive aggressive behavior that only serves to poison your relationships and damage your reputation.  Again, perhaps these types of compliments are best left unspoken.

So, what can you do to resist the urge to have the last word and send those zingers and back-handed compliments? How can you gain greater mastery over your mouth, your mind, your emotions and your body, so that you can more effectively express your leadership character?

Here’s a resource for you to help you master your mind for a change.

The Art of Reframing

I learned the skill and art of reframing during my training as a master practitioner of Neuro Linguistic Programming with NLP trainer and Modern Jedi Mark Shepard. I have used it effectively to manage and lead myself at home, at work and on the road. I have also used it extensively in my executive coaching practice with high potential corporate talent, helping to groom them for advancement and greater responsibility.

The basis of reframing is learning to separate intention from behavior. Reframing will help you alter the internal representation or the meaning that you interpret from events and conversations (internal and external) that you encounter. Reframing can be done to manage your own thoughts; or if mastered, can be used effectively to influence other people.

There are two basic types of reframing:

1. Context Reframe

How to do a context reframe: Think of a different context in which the person will respond differently to the same behavior.

Example: A wife is waiting for her husband to come home from a seminar on a Saturday morning. He is a few hours late and she’s angry because she has been stuck with the kids and didn’t get her exercise in. He arrives home and enthusiastically tells her the amazing people he has met and the incredible insights he gained. She is not impressed and is still upset at him because he selfishly put his needs before hers.

Possible Reframe (change the context): If I were a woman living in Iraq and my husband was 3 hours late and then came home safely, how would I feel?

2. Meaning Reframe

How to do a meaning reframe: Ask yourself, “What else could this behavior mean?” or internally think of an opposite frame or a different meaning. “What is it that this person hasn’t noticed (in this context) that will bring about a different meaning, and change his response?”

Example*: A man is riding on the metro train and is annoyed because there are three very unruly children. Their father is doing nothing to control them and the kids are totally out of control. The other passage comments tersely to the father “Excuse me. Do you think you could control your children?” The father turns to the man and explains that they’ve just come from the hospital where their mother died after a long battle with cancer. He apologizes for their behavior of his kids and explains he just doesn’t know what to do or to think now. The other man instantly changes his state, and shifts from the negative emotion of annoyance to one of compassion, empathy. The encounter is now perceived very differently.

*Paraphrased from Dr. Stephen Covey book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

Now, you try out these exercises. Working with a partner, or working by yourself, see if you can reframe the following situations with either a meaning reframe or a context reframe or both. See if you change change the meaning or change the context of these situations. Now, having done that, how does it change how you think, feel and how you might respond in a situation like this?

Hypothetical Situations:

Situation #1: Your boss has just rushed in 10 minutes late to your meeting, after meeting with the firm’s largest client. She is short and impatient with you, and asks you in an unpleasant tone to get to the point.

• What could this mean? What else could this mean?
• How might you respond?

Situation #2: You are driving on the road 5 miles above the posted speed limit. The car behind you is tail-gating and he suddenly passes you and flips you the bird.

• What could this mean? What else could this mean?
• How might you respond?

Situation #3: You are giving a presentation and you notice that the partner of your firm is nodding off.

• What could this mean? What else could this mean?
• How might you respond?

Situation #4: Your colleague blows you off on an important meeting that you have called. This is not the first time that this has happened.

• What could this mean? What else could this mean?
• How might you respond?

Ultimately, you choose your own response.

You control your words. You control your behavior and that behavior influences your outcome. Reframing and other mind mastery techniques can help you to gain greater control over yourself. Your leadership reputation and results may be at stake.

About the writer: Kathy McAfee is The Marketing Motivator, a professional speaker and the president of Kmc Brand Innovation, LLC, an executive presentation coaching and consulting company providing resources to help drive growth through motivated leadership and innovative communication. A master practitioner of Neuro Linguistic programm, she assists corporate business professionals and ambitious entrepreneurs to become the recognized leaders in their field by mastering the art of high engagement presentations and more effective networking. To learn more, call (860) 408-0033 or join her blog at www.MarketingMotivator.net. You can also link in with her at www.linkedin.com/in/kathymcafee

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